Cop Humor

WHERE'S THE CAMERA?
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

ROBBERY?
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

TOUGH WINDOW
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

CONFESSION
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

SORRY, NO BREAKFAST
Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

OOPS, WRONG PERSON
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

DON'T WRECK THEN DRINK
Two cars collide head-on. Both are totally wrecked, but amazingly neither driver is hurt. The two drivers, one a man and the other a woman, crawl out of the wreckage.
"Wow!" says the woman. "Just look at our cars. There's almost nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. The Lord must have intended us to meet like this and be lifelong friends."
The man replies, "I agree; this must be a sign from God!"
Reaching inside the remains of her car, the woman continues, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together and celebrate our good fortune and new-found friendship!"
With this, she hands the bottle to the man. Nodding his head in agreement, he opens it and takes several big swigs before handing it back to the woman. She takes it, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man. He looks puzzled and asks, "Aren't you having any?"
"No," replies the woman, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

WHO's THE CROOK?
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose swiftly from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he said with a delighted smile. "Now, sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.