The Veteran
-----Unknown Author-----

AKA: Old Man, John Law, Older than Dirt, Sir (to you) Technical Nomenclature: Obeselardicus Uglus Protecticus


1. Never smiles - feels it would detract from his masculine demeanor, unless the Lieutenant accidentally walks into the door.

2. Lost one shirt button, but figures he'll be in the car most of the time so no one will notice.

3. Thinning hair due to stress of trying to adjust to:
        1. increasing unclear distinction between "us" and "them".
        2. arguments with increasing numbers of recruits who believe the Chief is God.

4. Handgun is proof stainless steel rusts. Survival holster needs repair.

5. Whistle - handed down from two generations by relatives who were on the force.

6. "Sergeant" - has gold badge and chevrons on everything. Been know to flash badge at church offerings.

7. Hat - worn to reinforce his "in control" image. Keeps receding hairline from showing and with full sideburns gives the appearance of a full head of hair.

8. Uses City issued Bic pens.

9. Sunglasses - always worn:
        1. Suspect can't tell when he's being watched.
        2. Lieutenant can't tell when he's catching a few winks for that extra job.
        3. doesn't have to explain blood-shot eyes.

10. Doesn't believe in a PR-whatchamacallit. Still uses a baton wrapped with friction tape, prevents slipping during application of a "good old grand slammer."

11. Still has handcuff key. Cuffs last seen on spoiled child at family reunion. Veteran officer claims he lost the key.

12. Lost flashlight while sneaking up on "neckers."

13. Firmly believes all suspects are guilty or they would have not been arrested.

14. Likes his job but, has been counting the days to retirement for 15 years.

15. Arthritic condition from repeated wearing and removing wedding rings. Has been married numerous times, the exact number depends on whether you count the trip to Tijuana or not.

16. Pockets contain cigarettes bummed from rookie partner whom he suspects of being communist due to using hair spray instead of oil. Copenhagen Snuff maintained in case he's asked for a smoke, he can claim he switched to snuff.

17. Never asks questions - knows all the answers. Lucky rabbit foot always on his person, gives him courage to face another day riding with a rookie.

18. Wallet contains: one expired "AAA" card, one prescription for a 3 day supply of penicillin, membership card to Parents without Partners, and a photo of John Wayne.

19. Briefcase (in locker room) contains: Bottle of No-doze, checkbook and unpaid bills, and books such as "36 Ways to Call in Sick with Dignity" or "How to Beat the System" (10 hours pay for 5 hours work).

20. Walks slowly out of the office so if there are any report calls pending, the first one on the air will get them. Lets Rookies handle the paperwork, they need the practice. Rates assigned district by the number of restaurants which feed for free.

21. Remembers training the Chief or the Deputy Chief.

22. Loosens belt every hour to maintain circulation to the legs.